OK, so I'd been reading fanfics, looking for stuff to nominate for the Fanguild. (Which is at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/iyfanguild/ ) I was going through the crabby, I-Hate-Inuyasha-And-Everything-Associated-With-Him period I go through for a few days every time I finish an issue of The Hero, so I had no sense of humor at that point anyway. Plus, I had a ton of work to do, all of which called for some serious procrastination. So my brain decided to go live its own life. And what my brain did is start thinking about fanfics, and how It's Never Going To Get Any Better, and suddenly it occurred to me: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If we can't kill cliches, let's make them work for us!
Thus I'm issuing the world's easiest Inuyasha fanfic challenge. I know it's easy, because people are rising to this challenge EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY, and that's just the PG-13 section on ff.net.
Note: There's a catch. Be sure to look at the end before you start writing.
Each fanfic submitted for the challenge will be scored by the editorial staff of The Hero in the 21st Century, who don't yet know that I'm committing them to this project, but I'm going to give them free beer and brownies, so that's ok.
Fanfics can be submitted to kfbatey@yahoo.com, or uploaded to the Files section on the Hero 21 mailing list.
Highest score will win the accolades of the IY masses and a warm glow of satisfaction. All submissions will be posted on the Hero 21 site, but it will probably take eons, like always.
You may submit a summary of your choosing with the fic; otherwise, regardless of content, your fic will be randomly assigned one of the three following summerys, to be determined on the basis of the roll of a single six-sided die (because they don’t make three-sided dice).
Die roll 1 - 2: Summery: Kagome is a punk goth who gets kicked out of school for her attitude. Kikyo is a prep and the most popular girl in school. Inuyasha is the lead singer in a punk band. Can Kagome heal his heart?
Die roll 3 - 4: Summery: This is my version of INUYASHA TRUTH OR DARE!!!! U r3d th3 r3st now r34d th3 best! funny. NO FLAMES. NOT 4 KIKIYO + IY LUVERS!!!!
Die roll 5 - 6: Summery: inuyasha and kagome meet a strange hanyuo name allison and it turns out shes his twin sister but guess what! shes a cat demon!!! ANd suprize it turns out they have another little sister caitlin!!!!!!! by allisonandcaitlinluvinuyasha.
The scoring:
10 points if at least part of the story takes place in Kagome's high school, even though in the original story Kagome isn't in high school yet (high school is 10th, 11th, and 12th grade in Japan; Kagome's in 9th grade). Ideally, the high school should be as little like Japanese high schools and as much like American high schools as possible. For example, students should change classes, and there should be a school dance. 10 points if Hojo drives to school, even though he's too young to drive in either Japan or North America.
10 points if Kagome's hair is described as "raven." Add 10 points if "raven" is additionally modified by "black" (such as "raven-black"), and another 10 points for each additional modifier that can be piled on within the SAME description that further emphasizes the fact that Kagome's hair is black, which is to say, of a color entirely unremarkable for a Japanese person. (But "raven" must be in there.)
10 points if Kagome's eyes are described as blue, with an additional 10 points for each additional "blue" modifier. Add 10 points if your story is unequivocally based on the anime, where Kagome's eyes are definitely brown (in the color panels of the manga they are usually black highlighted with gray, or, rarely, black highlighted with blue). Add 10 points if nobody in the story sees anything whatsoever remarkable about a full-blooded Japanese person having blue eyes.
10 points for use of the term "shard detector" (which Inuyasha says once, in the Viz translation of the manga, vol 6).
10 points if Kagome's mother serves oden. Add 10 points if there is some indication that the story takes place in warm weather, when oden is not served.
10 points if Inuyasha rejects all other food in favor of cup ramen. 30 points if the story is otherwise manga canon, since the cup ramen thing is only mentioned once, very early, in the entire manga.
10 points for an original character, but that character must be 1. female and 2. a neko-youkai (cat demon). 10 points if the character has an Irish name. 20 points if that name is "Brianna." Alternatively, 10 points for every letter "L" in the character's name. Minus 30 points if this character is accidentally given a Japanese name. 10 points if Inuyasha, as a dog demon, finds this character irresistibly attractive, given that, as we know, all dogs are boys and all cats are girls and they mate all the time.
10 points for every character who goes into heat. If Kagome is the one in heat — which is to say, ovulating — she must simultaneously menstruate, biology be damned. If Kagome goes into heat, all canine youkai must be overwhelmed with the urge to mate with her, except for Shippou and any fox, wolf, and dog demons who do not have speaking parts. No other youkai, or non-youkai canines, will be the least bit interested. Neither will human males, pheromones similarly be damned.
10 points if Inuyasha compares Kagome unfavorably to Kikyou, despite the fact that he never does so after the first volume of the manga or the second episode of the anime.
10 points if Inuyasha insults Kagome for breaking the Shikon no Tama, despite the fact that he never does so in either the manga or anime.
10 points for each unnecessary insertion of fangirl Japanese (which is to say, any conversational word or phrase easily found on an anime website). 30 points if anybody other than a bad guy or Inuyasha uses the word "Iie" ("No"), which is so rude in Japanese conversation that it appears only once in the Inuyasha manga (spoken by Naraku) and that the Japanese corporation I used to work for didn't include it in the list of common Japanese words and phrases, because the management couldn't conceive of a business situation in which it would be used. 50 points for inserting an entirely irrelevant scene with Kagome hosting a lunch or tea specifically for the purpose of trotting out phrases from Lesson Three: At the Table. 10 points for inserting a glossary, plus 5 points for each glossary item. Add 5 points if the glossary cannot be seen at any point in the story without using the scroll bar. 10 points if Kagome randomly says both "Yes" and "Hai" interchangeably throughout the story.
10 points if Kagome invites somebody to sit down and Inuyasha goes crashing to the ground, even though in Japanese the word used to tell a dog to "Sit" is not the same as the word one uses in speaking to people.
10 points if Inuyasha calls Kagome a bitch and it turns out he was just speaking to her as he would to any female dog, even though the Japanese word that gets translated as "bitch" has nothing to do with dogs.
50 points if Kagome sees Inuyasha with Kikyou, runs away, and stumbles into Sesshoumaru, but the story must include a summary presenting this scenario as a teaser (such as "You'll never guess who appears to heal her heart!") followed by "S/K."
30 points for adding a summary written in l33t, but it must include the word "suck" describing either the quality of the story or the author's ability to write a summary. "Summary" must be spelled "summery."
10 points if Inuyasha says somebody's brain is broken. For this exercise and this exercise only, dead angels are not mandatory.
5 points for use of the word "it's", not to be awarded if what is meant is, in fact, "it is."
10 points for the use of "sweatdrop" as a verb.
In an IY/Kag pairing, 10 points if Inuyasha says he never liked Kikyou in the first place, but Kagome must say she thought he only saw her (Kagome) as a shard detector. (Yes, you also get points for "shard detector.")
In an IY/Kikyou pairing, 10 points if Inuyasha says he never liked Kagome in the first place, but he must incorporate the term "shard detector." (Ditto.)
Anybody, male or female, getting it on with Kouga has to talk about his blue eyes — 10 points — while ignoring the obvious kilt thing. 10 points if Kagome has been established to have blue eyes as well, but nobody has commented on them.
10 points for every Higurashi family member wiped out via plane crash, automobile accident, or incursion by random burglars.
10 points if Shippou refers to Kagome as his mother.
10 points for any indication that youkai males as a class are significantly better endowed (we're talking length here; if you don't understand, you're too young to write it) than human males. 10 points for each reference to superior demon endurance and/or — let's call it rechargeability.
10 points if Inuyasha uses the verb "mate" to mean either "marry" or "Do It." 10 points if he uses the noun "mate" to mean "wife" or "the chick I'm getting it on with."
10 points if Sesshoumaru has a heart of gold under that icy exterior. 10 points if he was only trying to train Inuyasha, not kill him. 10 points if Sesshoumaru remembers how innocent, vulnerable and endearing Inuyasha was as a pup. (The word "pup" must be used.) 50 points for sheer authorial chutzpah if he does this while sticking his hand through Inuyasha's gut.
10 points if Inuyasha refers to Hojo as "Hobo," despite the fact that the Hojo ruled Japan for centuries and were the current rulers of the domain where the story takes place, making this the equivalent of somebody in Massachusetts not being able to recognize the name "Kennedy." (All points will be forfeited if Inuyasha, or anybody else, refers to Hojo as "Homo." Gay-bashing "humor" does not amuse your Bachan.)
10 points per cliche for anything I've missed, but you've got to point it out when you send in the story.
Random points may be awarded at the judges' discretion for really brilliant cliches we just forgot about, whether or not you mention them or realized they were cliches when you wrote them.
The Catch: 800 WORDS MAXIMUM.
Yes, children, the object of the challenge is to bundle as many IY/anime fanfic cliches as possible into 800 words or less. Summaries, or summerys, do not count as part of the 800 words, but please limit them to 50 words or so.
Deadline: July 1, 2004, to guarantee getting a score from our team of impartial judges, but we’ll read it anytime, so if you’ve missed the deadline and you feel like writing it anyway, go ahead, it’ll get put on the site eventually.
Have fun.
Bachan